Hello, it is me. I am the smartest game reviewer who ever reviewed games. I’m so good, I don’t even need to buy or play the game I’m reviewing. So, let’s get to it then.
Pokemon Go was released on mobile devices earlier this week, with people going crazy with anticipation. At first, the game was only available in New Zealand. Or maybe it was Australia. They’re basically the same, so what’s the difference?
Anyway, finally the game arrived in the UK and America, and boy have people lost all common sense.
The gist of the game is simple. Walk around and enslave poor little creatures and force them to fight to the death for your own amusement. It’s like a cock fight, except hopefully no humans get stabbed in the process.
Wait, someone already did.
So, ugh, this is awkward. Moving on.
The gamer playing Pokemon Go must keep his or her eyes glued to the screen at all time. You never know when a little rat creature or dopey-looking bird is going to pop up and surprise you.
If you play the game enough and let it lead you where the Pokemon live, you might even find a dead body in the river. Now that’s really doing the police a solid — finding a dead body. However, it must mean one of those rodent mongrels you were chasing probably killed that person.
Bad killer Pokemon.
But you’re a master Pokemon trainer. You must collect all of them for your sick collection. So you divert all attention from the hassles of everyday life, like driving your car or walking across the street.
So, already, people have caused a few traffic accidents due to being distracted trying to catch the little rodents.
But fear not, because a master Pokemon trainer like yourself can’t be held back by the trauma and pain of a few broken bones and a severe concussion. No, you get yourself back out there on your gurney and you catch more Pokemon.
But beyond the Pokemon’s habit to appear at weird and inopportune times, people are loving this game.
There was widespread concern that the way to play the game — staring at a screen and walking around aimlessly — would be dangerous. But this is the virtual reality world we live in.
So you’re out there with your concussion, showing up to family gatherings and trying to catch a 19th Pidgey, and you’re loving every freaking minute of it.
But wait, how do you get better at the game?
Well, it’s simple. Find eggs and walk around to watch them hatch into Pokemon you are already in control of. Yes, you too can be the owner and operator of your very own Pokemon death and/or fighting mill.
Just walk a few kilometers and that egg will hatch and eventually fight in your honor. This isn’t a bad thing. Gamers have a reputation for being sluggish and lazy. The makers of Pokemon Go thought, let’s make these out-of-shape recluses get some exercise and some good, old Vitamin D.
Most of us would simply walk to the fridge to get some eggs, but not anymore.
But how far do you have to go to get the good Pokemon? You know, the really good kind. I’m no Pokemon expert. I know four Pokemon by name. Pikachu, Charmander, SquirtDude and Mew.
There’s unconfirmed reports that the only way to get a Mew is to break in to a top-secret government alien holding facility — much like the fabled Area 51 — and struggle with armed guards and nerdy scientists to win your Pokemon battle.
KSI Global does not recommend that action, but you are adults and you can decide what to do on your own.
So while you’re out there getting your exercise, obtaining a massive sunburn and losing all your friends and family in the process, just remember the goal, as the song goes, is to catch them all. Be the best fighting rodent bird enslaver and train them to fight in your honor.
Overall, this game has swept the world by storm, so if you haven’t, find out what all the excitement is about. As for me, I’ll just recede to the deep, dark corner of my bedroom until there’s another game I can review without playing it or doing any research.
(The best Pokemon in the game is SquirtDude.)