By KSI Harmony 7 & KSI December 77
Harmony: Have you noticed how Disney movies are literally the best things ever? I mean, every kid from the 90’s on still remembers how awesome Belle sings or how silly Pinocchio is.
December: I mean, I can agree with that to a certain extent. I liked some Disney movies. Most actually. But there were definitely some that scared the **** out of me. And still scare the **** out of me.
Beauty & The Beast
Harmony: Don’t you just love how Belle is so elegant and graceful in Beauty and the Beast!? She has such a kind soul. Let’s not forget that Stockholm Syndrome. That was really quite charming.
December: Totally. I can empathize. Literally every morning I wake up, make my coffee and daydream about a big hairy monster locking me in a castle. I’m no kid anymore but I still get the same feels Belle did.
Harmony: What about Pinocchio? I mean who doesn’t love the story of a puppeteer named Giapetto who created a “puppet-son” because he never had a boy of his own. He tried to stop him from lying and teach him how to be a good boy. It was definitely apparent when sold him into slavery. Loved the part where Pinnochio’s nose never stopped growing too. Classic.
December: I mean, I feel like most guys wouldn’t complain about having Pinocchio’s “wood-growing-issue”, but I digress. I’ll keep it PG. I mean PG-13. I mean, what are Disney movies rated nowadays? Whatever. I just want a nice little cricket to talk to. That’s all.
Harmony: Another movie that really spoke to me is Sleeping Beauty. It was quite sweet how a whole lot of strange men were allowed to kiss a pretty princess while she was asleep. What did they think was going to happen when she woke up? Obviously she would fall straight for them, right?
December: That’s what I assumed. If I woke up to a pretty girl kissing me, I’d be buying her a house with a white picket fence. That’s how life works, right?
Harmony: Let’s not forget Cinderella! That was such a happy story that tugs at our heartstrings.I loved the part where she was mentally abused for years and finally got a shot at having that one good day of her entire real life. It’s a completely realistic and exciting expression of how the world works. Hold on a second, my fairy godmother is calling…
December: This is your fairy godmother dear! I’d like to let you know that your life is going to be happy and fruitful and blessed… Just kidding. I’m locking you in your room.
Harmony: The classic beauty who lives with a group of emotional miners. Naturally, she tries to be the hero but ends up getting poisoned. This is as sweet as the apple the witch used to do it! It’s awesome how a children’s movie has so much sad, and really quite messed up scenarios happen to their princesses. Really relatable for a 10 year old!
December: Why would anyone live with a miner? Let alone seven. And what was Doc a doctor of? So many questions I really don’t want the answers to.
Harmony: I am really an animal lover but I never could enjoy this movie as a kid. Let’s have a cute little deer named Bambi, and then let’s kill off his mother in a tragic hunting accident. Really Disney!? As if children don’t have enough to deal with. I guess my absolute favorite thing about this movie is nothing ever gets accomplished!
December: Yeah! What happened after his mom died? All I remember is them running around a little bit. Anybody else remember what happened?
Harmony: Ahh, that loveable flying elephant who lives in a circus. Dumbo has to watch his mother get locked up. She was only defending him against bullies who made fun of his awesomely big ears. Dumbo was always sweet natured, so he naturally lived a hard life. The best part is the fact that Dumbo lives up to his name. The entire movie, he believes he has to hold a feather to fly.
December: What an idiot. Why’d anyone want to watch a movie about an elephant anyway. Like, ok. Pick the heaviest creature on the planet and make them able to fly. Then make them dumb, name them something dumb and add some sad music. Walaaa! Perfect kids’ movie.
Harmony: A perfect woman is now your nanny! Her name is Mary Poppins and she sings extremely well. Don’t be alarmed at the hallucinogenic cartoon characters she will bring to dance with you. Or the fact that she can bring you along on any ride. Make no mistake – I am not calling her a witch. I’m just saying I am happy she doesn’t live in Salem. Don’t worry kids, eat this spoonful of sugar! It’ll help!
December: Which Mary Poppins we talking about here? Julie Andrews, eh. Now if you’re meaning the new movie with Emily Blunt. Yes. Yes, I want a Nanny now please.
Alice In Wonderland
Harmony: Spoiler alert! This is all a dream. Alice, neglected by her family and sent off to play, meets some extremely sinister “friends”. She takes a bit too much medication and grows and shrinks repeatedly. All that can’t be healthy. This movie is truly a metaphor for how we are always chasing time.
December: This movie was weird. If you want to introduce kids to drugs in the form of a movie, give them a sprite and sit them down in front of this. I do like the Johnny Depp version though.
Harmony: The second star to the right shines with a light so true! Wendy and her little brothers take a trip on their favorite sailing ship, into the sky, with a strange guy. His name is Peter Pan. You may have heard of his peanut butter. When they get to Neverland, they find their adversary – Captain Hook. He is really concerned with what you are doing, but is always being chased by the crocodile of time. I love how Disney always has a metaphor about fleeting time. Wendy and the fam soon discover that they don’t have it so bad in the real world and kind of start to appreciate their privileged lives they live. But, who’s the real winner here? Peter still doesn’t have to get old and has all the peanut butter he could ever want.
December: Dude, I saw a man in Walmart yesterday who had a hook. Would it be socially acceptable to shake it in greeting? But I really wanted to introduce myself.
Harmony: A positive story about a boy named Mowgali. Mowgali grew up in a really hard situation. He was raised by wolves. Not to mention being stalked by a tiger who was scarred by Mowgali’s biological father. He is rescued by a Bear named Baloo and they become the best of friends. Together they burn down a village. Then what? That’s basically it. Well at least this story always taught me to look for the bear necessities of life!
December: I see what you did there. Gotta say though, the new version of this movie is absolutely freaking ama…wait. Nope. That’s another movie. This movie was dumb. Idris Elba as the tiger was the only redeeming feature.
Harmony: The story of Aladdin, a peasant man who falls for the princess of the palace. Then the evil Grand Visier of the Palace, Jafar, comes along and captures Aladdin. He lies to Jasmine about him being decapitated and sends Aladdin on a trip to retrieve the magic lamp with a Genie who gives you three wishes. The duo teams up to save the princess and the city. Don’t worry when you watch this, you’ll get every song stuck in you head. Just remember if you open your eyes you can see A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
December: I wish Aladdin had been smarter. And tougher. And less of a pansy. Like Jasmine. Or the monkey even. Or the parrot. #bestcharacterever
It’s pretty obvious that Disney movies are treasures. Videos made in a time unconstrained by society’s views of what was “normal” or “strange” or “acceptable”. As a 90’s baby, it’s kinda surreal to watch a Disney movie and marvel at the fact that kids now will never truly understand what growing up with that was like. When they hear “Disney” they think Pirates of the Caribbean or Star Wars. Strange times we live in, for sure.
One last thing. Did ANYONE else used to think the “D” in the Disney logo was like a backwards “G” or something? Just me then? Alrighty.