For several hours on the afternoon of Tuesday, March 21, Xbox Live core services were down.
In the midst of the chaos, millions of nerds sat quietly, refusing to eat or blink until they were allowed to sign into their accounts.
We're still hard at work getting things resolved so you can sign-in properly. Thank you for your patience: pic.twitter.com/VEn1sPBtsT
— Xbox Support (@XboxSupport) March 21, 2017
They waited. And waited. And waited some more.
School children, back from long days at class, sitting, weeping softly as their accounts were unable to sign in.
Adults, sitting in their filth, covered in Cheeto dust, filled with rage.
Many demographics were caught in the crossfire of consoles unable to allow them to play their favorite Xbox games.
And as seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours, millions of gamers left their homes looking for a solution.
“I went to make pizza rolls for my babe,” a concerned girlfriend said. “I came back to the living room and the front door was wide open. I don’t know where he went.”
Where her boyfriend — and millions of other gamers — went is still unknown.
“I don’t even care, to be honest,” she said, speaking on terms of anonymity. “I was going to break up with him anyway.”
Some scientists have theorized that, in an ode to South Park, the gamers have made their way to Silicon Valley, California in search of the problem.
Other’s speculate that many gamers were vaporized instantly by the outage.
However, as the sun rose Wednesday to a better future, one truly remarkable story rang out as one Xbox gamer was found following the outage, and his story is remarkable.
“I just switched over to my PlayStation 4,” he said. “Xbox sucks. Maybe just get a Nintendo Switch, or play on PC. Why are you only playing Xbox? It’s the worst.”
But, where did those millions of Xbox gamers go?
Shit. I don’t know. Either way, Xbox services have been restored and those losers are missing out. NERDS.